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Before:
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, lived a sweet, gentle little photographer. Now this photographer loved taking pictures, but not just any pictures, she loved taking pictures of her precious dogs. She had four dogs, and they were always running around, both in and out of the house. One day, she took her camera to take pictures of the dogs, but she couldn't find the fourth. Frantic, she ran around the house and did not stop looking until she found him. Once she found him, she rejoiced and took hundreds and hundreds of pictures to celebrate.
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After:
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, lived a sweet, gentle little photographer. Now this photographer loved taking pictures, but not just any pictures, she loved taking pictures of her precious dogs. She had four dogs, and they were always running around, both in and out of the house. One day, she took her camera to take pictures of the dogs, but she couldn't find the fourth. Frantic, she ran around the house and didn't cease looking until she found him. Once she found him, she rejoiced and took hundreds and hundreds of pictures to celebrate this.
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Hi Megan! I thought your story was super cute! I liked that you chose to write about two things you love, photography and your dogs! I definitely like the story a bit more with the little revisions you made. It's crazy how changing a few words here and there really helps the flow of the story! You did great Megan!
ReplyDeleteHi Megan :)
ReplyDeleteYour story is very cute, and I really like how you translated the parable of the Lost Sheep into your own story. Your word changes helped the flow of the story, and I think it's great you did some self-revision! Knowing from experience, that can be really hard. My only other suggestion is keep an eye on your commas. They're super fun and addicting to use, but they can also create run-on sentences which can be difficult to keep track of. Don't be afraid to break those up with periods :) Overall, you made a great story and made some great revisions!
Hi Megan!
ReplyDeleteThe story you told was very cute!
I think it's cool that you decided to take up the extra credit option to revise one of your stories!
The changes you made were quite minimal, but they did improve the story's flow and overall neatness, so well done!